Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
