god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
