oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
