Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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