her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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