I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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