Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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