oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
