i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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