we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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