Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
