If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
