The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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