Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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