Cold hands, warm shart.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
