I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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