I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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