you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
