I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize