Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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