Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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