I wish I only lived at night.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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