You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
