remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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