i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
