and next time when you feel me up, do it right
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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