Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
