Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
