How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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