So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
