I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
