90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
