I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize