so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
