i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
