can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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