dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
