so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
