youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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