If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
