I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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