you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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