Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
