i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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