She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
