I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
