i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
