The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
