My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
