I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Hippo gnu deer
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I need a burrito and a hug.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
