He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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