now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
