I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
