Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize