they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I pour the whiskey from now on
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize